MY STORY—S.
My journey coming to God and the Pathway Home has been one miracle after another. I share my story only to honor what God has done.
When I recently looked at some photos of my childhood, I saw lots of smiles and what seemed to be happy times. I actually could not connect with that little girl. The memories are lost to me. I am an only child, both my parents worked, and I would stay at my grandparent’s house after school.
As best I can remember, my story started its downward spiral when I was about 10 years old. Every Sunday was my family’s get-together at my mother’s parents’ house. My memaw was very meek and loving. Our family was the most important thing to her. She always loved spending time with us. My granddad, retired from the military and a newspaper, was very stern and a little scary. He started sexually abusing me around age 10. I don’t remember exactly when, but from that moment, I was the most insecure and angry kid on the planet. But I kept silent because what was I going to say.
Our family was not big on failure. There was NO room for whining or complaining and no excuse to feel insecure. This went on Sunday after Sunday. When I couldn’t take the pressure anymore, around age 12 or 13, I told parents that the abuse was happening. I don’t exactly remember but it felt like nothing was done, because we still kept going over there. Inside of me I was screaming, “Somebody listen. Somebody do something.” I did not see the connection at the time, but I started have horrible fights with my mom, all the time. It seemed nothing I did was right.
My sense of worthlessness was so deeply painful. So at age 13 I started experimenting with drugs. Still I was being abused by my grand father. I was too young to make them stop taking me to see him. I was powerless.
By age 15 I was the all out party girl--smoking pot, drinking until I couldn’t stand up. My grades and attendance at school dropped drastically. All the while the battle with my mom and I worsened. At age 16 I got my drivers license and I didn’t have to go to my grandparents as much. My memaw’s health was deteriorating and I loved her very much, but I couldn’t visit because the abuse happened every time I saw him.
By 17 I had a fake ID and happy hour was my main concern. In the bar scene I met a male dancer 6 years older than me. This sparked a horribly destructive relationship. My parents hated him and I didn’t care--anything to get away from them. When my parents were on a vacation, I moved in with him. Our abusive relationship lasted 8 long years. During this time my drug addiction graduated to cocaine and then lots of it. I was in and out of jobs (13 in one year). My boyfriend and I were cheating on each other. He found out about me and threw me out.
For the next 5 years I moved from place to place and couch to couch trying to support my escalating drug and alcohol abuse. My grandmother passed away by now and I only had to go to my grandparents on holidays. A fellow party guy, Junie, and I would hang out all the time, drinking and doing cocaine. I tried to keep a regular job but the money was not near enough. So, I started stripping but I could not get up on stage without a being drunk. But if I wanted to make money to get drugs, I had to work. This horror continued night after night. As soon as I would leave, I would go get high. Spending all my money and having no self respect, I thought I had reached my rock bottom.
My friend Junie and I had decided to take a nap and who ever got up first would call. When I called, he was already gone. That night I stayed home and the next morning on the news was the report that Junie had been shot and killed by a 17 year old over drugs. One week later July 18, 1996 (on my birthday) I buried him. I felt it was all my fault.
I dove into stripping as the only way to make enough money to support my increasing addictions. A couple of girls told me about the "escort" business, glamorized the life and the big money. I wanted the high life, so I decided to "audition" for an escort agency. They said the men weren’t allowed to touch you and that all you do is dance, but I learned that’s not how you make money. By this time, I HATED men. They were the sick ones, spending their money on strippers and escorts. For the first time, I could control a part of my life, especially men. So far, all men had shown me is that they are supposed to abuse you and you have no control. So I liked the power of telling these men to give me lots of money and to follow my rules. I had many rules at first, but then I let them go to make money.
I worked for 2 gay guys who taught me how to hustle. The name of the game was MONEY!!! LOTS OF IT. I moved around from place to place, using drugs and using sex for hire. Eventually I moved in with the gay guys. We would literally smoke crack every waking moment. We ran girls 24-7. My talkative talents really allowed me to sell our services. My cocaine abuse had become about 100-150 dollars a day and many times, even more. The guys eventually moved and I took over running the business.
Most of these years, my parents didn’t know if I was dead or alive. At this point I was barely hanging on by a thread, living out of hotels. The cycle of men, sex, abuse, and drugs continued One guy didn’t do drugs but he drank like a fish so he seemed normal. At first he first became like a sugar daddy. So desperate for love and happiness, I hooked my claws in him for dear life. But he rejected me anyway. My alcohol abuse worsened. I started traveling to Richmond to "work" living in hotels for weeks at a time. My drug dealers were literally my best friends. Life was one BIG hustle!!! Men, drug dealers, my parents, and myself.
I never expected to be so lost. I called my dad every other month or two to beg for money to pay one bill or another. My house had become one BIG crack whore house. Another break up jolted me into everyday abuse of whiskey, from the time my feet hit the floor until the time I passed out.
Men were always easier for "hanging out" and doing drugs. The women were all hard core hustlers and we couldn’t hang out together long without major conflict and suspicion. The hooker business gives you a false sense of control as we thought how stupid and disgusting the men were, and not us. How dumb they were to let us just take LOTS of their money for sex. The reality was that I was either too high, trying to kill the pain, or thinking about my next fix. I was so blind I didn’t understand why all my relationships were a mess.
After my last boyfriend left me, I moved to a party neighborhood at the beach. My interest in cocaine was slacking but my 6 day a week drinking binges continued. I tried to work a real job at a bank. My best friend at the time got me the job that paid $7.00 per hour, certainly not even enough. Needless to say, that job lasted all of 6 months. My inconsiderate, irresponsible and selfish addictions ruined that relationship. Since I had to have money, escorting was in full swing again.
Then someone introduced me to crystal meth. Now I understand that my real purpose is to lead wounded people to their empowering resources, but then I was serving darkness. So I began networking right away. Meth was the wonder drug. Everybody wanted it. So I found the supply to make every body "better." I never wanted cocaine again. So after some research I hit the JACK POT!!! I became very close with this guy who sold drugs and wanted what I had. So I played the middle man, a thousand dollars every 2-3 days. When he moved, I took over that business. Here I was still seeing men occasionally, selling crystal meth, and I thought I was on top of the world. I would shop, buy people gifts and everyone loved me.
A guy friend came back in my life and we did lots of meth together, but I never told him about the sex business. I wasn’t proud of it and I wanted out so bad, but I just didn’t know how. One night he asked me if I was a hooker. I couldn’t say a word. He knew anyway because I had seen one of his friends and did not know it. I was lying about something and he called me on it. So I quit the sex business this time once and for all. But I was selling meth full time now and doing about $200.00 a day. Until one night I had a nervous break down. I called my dad at 4:00 am, begging him. “Please come get me. I am on drugs and I need help.” He did.
My parents took me to the hospital and then to a detox facility for 3 days of hallucinating and being scared to death. Because I had been driving on a suspended license for about 10 years on and off, I was facing some jail time. When I went before the judge, he said that as long as I completed a day program, I would not go to jail. So I endured the program, but it was a joke. As soon as I got out, I was using again. I had started a boat cleaning business because I still needed money for drugs to dull the deep pain and fight off depression. I was not successful, because I spent more than half of each year in bed for the next 3 years.
I just kept moving around and loosing almost everything I owned, including a little piece of myself minute by minute. I thought that if I could get off drugs I would be okay. The truth is I was not dealing with the initial pain of my past. My grandfather, in fact, used to give me lots of money when I was a kid after he would abuse me. So the lifestyle that I had chosen was not so strange after all. Men were for money and treating you bad and drugs would numb the pain for a little while.
There was still such emptiness in my heart until a lady named Linda introduced me to God. I started going to New Life Providence, a church in Virginia Beach, which was meeting in my old high school. The first day I noticed my senior class picture on the wall. I walked up, saw my face, and knew right then that my life was going to change. I knew it was God and I responded to him. "I hear you now." I heard the pastor speak like no one else was in the room except me. From that day forward the emptiness that I felt started to go away, but only while I was in church for 2 hours on Sunday. I was still using crystal meth and even some times getting high before and after church. I felt so good at church but in reality my heart was still empty when I left. So I stayed in the worst state of depression.
I finally realized that I could not keep doing drugs. So I decided to quit but I could not get out of bed so I started using ritalin and atteral or 15 ephedrine with energy drinks just to get out of bed. I worked just enough to pay the bare minimum bills. I had finally reconciled with an old high school friend and rented a room at her place. She began watching as I was slipping into a major depression. She would become very frustrated trying to get me to do anything. Disappointing her became heart breaking for me. The more I tried to feel better, the more guilty I felt. I was slowly dying from the inside out, but I could not explain why. I still attended church on Sundays and I even considered the possibility of a cell group. I figured that life was just harder on me than other people because of my choices and God was making me pay for the horrible things I had done in my past.
I finally got the courage, being a new Christian, to find out about a cell group. I was so afraid I would never connect with anyone and they would judge me. Finally, I asked about a cell group and learned Jodi Wozniak was starting one that very night. I was determined NOT to go, because I knew people would know more of the Bible and they would see my past written on my face and not like me. I thought I would never fit in. When Jodi called to invite me, I tried every excuse in the book to not go. I finally realized this girl was not giving up on me. Well, if I didn’t like it, I could leave. I got directions from Jodi and it was 2 miles from my house. That was God—no excuses.
I went home, changed, and drove to the cell group meeting. I had smoked cigarettes for over 20 years by this time, so when I pulled up to the meeting, I was smoking one right after the other. I knew smoking was wrong, too, but I wasn’t quite sure why. I was just so nervous. I was the first one there. Jodi answered the door and welcomed me with open arms. This was a new environment. That night the Lord spoke to me loud and clear. We all talked about our careers and Jodi explained that she was a life coach. We talked some more and she explained that her mother, also a life coach, was starting a home for women in GA and I should contact her. I was stunned. Earlier that day I had been watching the Starting Over House, a TV show with life coaches and ladies living in a home in order to change. I wanted to call the show for help, but I was hesitant. I didn’t want all my dirty laundry all over TV. But I was so desperate that I was willing to take that chance. I just wanted to have peace and happiness in my life. I shared this with the ladies in the cell group who told me how much better a Christian place would be. So I gave Jodi my number. Two days later I received a phone call from Bonnie Wozniak and I knew that day my life would never be the same.
I had to fight anger and fear just to step on that plane. I had to face a legal situation that I had avoided, but it worked out. I feared that my family and friends would not support my decision. I was coming regardless!!! So one by one, I started telling them my decision and they all gave me such encouragement and support. I knew this was God. He then started speaking to me very LOUD. Every step I took to come to the Pathway Home was orchestrated by Him. I stepped on that plane on Nov. 29, 2005 and never looked back.
Since coming to the Pathway Home, I have finally dealt with my sexual abuse from my grandfather and even though he is dead, I forgive him. I have released my anger and negative emotions, facing my fears head on. I have accepted the responsibility for my sick choices and paid very dearly for them. In my life God is using all this evil for good. My heart is that no one ever experience the debilitating effects of child abuse and its aftermath. God has taught me the meaning of unconditional love. I am proud to say that I have reconciled my relationship with my parents and I am even seeing God working in their lives. He has given me a true peace in my heart like never before. I now can see his hand in my life daily. It is so amazing how he has changed my life and not just for the moment. Forever! I now know that through all my hard times, He is going to use me for his purposes. My life is so meaningful now and I have a real purpose for my existence. I was a very wounded little girl years ago. Now I exist to lead wounded people to their healing and empowering resources. He has restored my confidence for running a successful business and to expand on my purpose to help as many people as I can.
I pray that my story will help people realize that God can save you from the pits of HELL. No matter where you’ve come from, you can be free. I thank Jesus for sparing my life so many times and allowing me to share my victory with you. I am for the first time in my life drug and alcohol free and smoking free as of Jan. 10, 2006. I am living proof that God will forgive you no matter what. It is never too late.
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